Yup, humour! Here I'll put things I've picked up in the hope it'll make you laugh =P Or at least smile *grins*. This page has got rather long now, so use the drop down box to skip to a certain piece of humour, and the top links will get you back..erm..back to the top?
Only In America...
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. Chances are she can also think.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
Then you are probably the family dog.
Pointer + Setter
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Terrier + Bulldog
Bloodhound + Labrador
Malamute + Pointer
Deerhound + Terrier
Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
Empty Tollbooth
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he ploughed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
Dilbert's Rules of Order
1- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4- Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6- I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8- My reality check bounced.
9- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10- I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11- You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15- A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
16- Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
22- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
23- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
The Lightbulb!
Q: How many newsgroup subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,445
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed;
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;
53 to flame the spell checkers;
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames;
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb";
+6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to alt.litebulb;
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling, and alt.illuminati about changing light bulbs be stopped;
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group;
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and the post the corrected URL's;
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group;
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too";
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;
44 to ask what is "FAQ";
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a DejaNews search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
34 to say "on Ebay---vintage light bulbs---no reserve"
66 to killfile anything with the words "light" or " bulb" in it;
1 Autobot from the Usenet Self Awareness Project to post that the lightbulb controversy generated the most posts;
1 DejaNews subscriber to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again!!
Boom boom...
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
-------------------------------------------------
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
-------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
-------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
-------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
-------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
-------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to
have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
-------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
-------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. "No, you're right" he said,
"the steaks are too high."
-------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
-------------------------------------------------
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a
mussel.
-------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.
-------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
School Photo
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
Fishing
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up a ticket"
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
Drive-Thru Cash Point
Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-Thru" cash point machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the
machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine
2 Wind down your car window
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off
1 Drive up to the cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make-up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Smell burning? Release handbrake
Ever Wonder...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Product Labels...
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
If You Can...
IF you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
IF you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
IF you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
IF you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
IF you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
IF you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
IF you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
IF you can face the world without lies and deceit,
IF you can conquer tension without medical help,
IF you can relax without liquor,
IF you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
IF you can do all these things,
The future of dog breeding....
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Oh, never mind....